The Douchebag’s Dream

 “What? You are a goalkeeper right? What does it sound to you?”, asked the coach to the boy.

The boy was in no position to deny answering the question and so he said, “to stop the ball from going in, coach.”

“so, you would wait until the ball comes, right?”, he asked again.

This time the boy didn’t know what should be the right answer for such a question. His body was like finding a comfortable bed with a couple of pillows in it.

Coach asked again,” hey, am talking to you douchebag. Where are you? Are you with me or with your ass fucked girl friend whose face is like my pet’s vagina?”

The boy now felt quite uncomfortable with the coach’s use of adjective to describe his girlfriend’s face. He pulled off his gloves and went off the ground biding the most essential finger during sex.

Mr. Das and I were drinking chilled water as the heat was quite unbearable. I said to the coach, “sir, don’t you think it was quite a bit excess for that young man?”

He replied, “do you know why the year 1966 famous for in the world of football?”

I said, “ummm, ugh, no, I don’t.”

“well, then it is good for you to think that I was a bit harsh with the kid. Anyways, I got to go now. Bye.” He said.

“excuse me sir, what happened in 1966?” I asked out of a journalist’s curiosity.

The coach smiled at first then pat his hand on my back and said, “a spider came to the world of football and it’s colour was black.” Leering at me he went off.

I was in total nowhere. I came back to my home opened up the laptop and searched google typing the keywords as such ‘1966 black spider’.

Next day I came back to the ground and asked the coach, “so the black spider was also had a name and it was black panther, right?”

He looked at me and shook his head.

I said, “I think you at first should show the clips to the kid.”

He said,” do you really think by watching a video clip one can really be like him?”

I said nothing. He added, “well, in that 1966 my grandfather used to work as the German Associative. The match was organized between Soviet Union and West Germany. West Germany was one of the toughest site that time. Soviet Union hadn’t had that much good player. After the match started in the 2^nd minute an attack came from West Germany and it was a sure chance to score a goal. The shot was top cornered and the crowd were up on their feet.”

He breathed a while. Gave a pause to his story and said,” from nowhere a hand came out and the goal was saved. My grandpa told that he didn’t know his name so he went on to search the name list after the match. West Germany won the match by 2-1. Do you know why everybody remembered the losing side of that match?” he asked.

“I can only imagine!” I said.

“well, there are times when people just let go your defeat and study your self-contribution. It happened that day too. The man under the bar was fully covered with black jersey. That day he did everything for his team. He shouted orders at his defenders, came off his line to intercept crosses and also ran out to meet onrushing attackers, done at a time when goalkeepers spent the 90 minutes standing in the goal waiting to be called into action. And I guess you know that he made a 150 penalty saves in his career and kept over 270 clean sheets and…”

“sir, who is he?”, the goalkeeper of the team who was been scolded hard last night asked the question.

“well, a goalkeeper like you who just never waited for the ball to come close to him. The only goalkeeper who won the ballon d’or award. The goal keeper of Soviet Union, Lev Yashin.” He said and went to the other players.

I came to the boy and lit up a cigarette and offered one to the boy. He refused. I told him,” do you know Yashin played his best match at the age of 36?”

“no, I didn’t know that.”, he was quite blur.

“well, you never get old if you don’t mention it to yourself. Just stop worrying. You can do better. Let go your fear of getting a cut from your dive.” I told him.

“well, sir, do I need to see his clips?”, he asked me.

“do you really think by watching a video clip one can really be like him? Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t think this way.”, I turned and saw the coach was standing. Now, I was blur until the coach smiled.

“hey, goalkeeper!”, I shouted before leaving the ground.

“what?”, he shouted too. The coach was looking at us.

I shouted again, “so, you are a goalkeeper right? What does it sound to you?”

He smiled and replied loudly, “to let go my fears and let fears fear me.”

I shook my head. Threw the cigarette and said, “taxi!”

Busby Babes Signing Off…

 “’luck’, that’s all he said”, Robert replied.

“Why? I mean generally everyone says good luck as a token of bidding bye.”, I asked.

“Well, you asked me what Billy told me for the last time and I told you what he told me last time, I guess I am done here. Anything else?”, Robert asked.

“That’s enough for now, yeah. But just one more thing, this ain’t have any connection to my report, this is just coming out of curiosity that, does it still hurt? I mean, losing your companions, losing championship, losing titles?”, I asked him.

“Companions, yes. Others, don’t.”, He finishes.

I had nothing in my mind to continue the conversation to this well-prepared man when he added, “look, kiddo, do you believe in god?”

“Uh…in some yes, yes, sir, I do. Do you?”, I asked in reply.

“I’m 78 now. Faith is like a gadget to me, can’t be faithful. But, tell me, you are what? 27? What makes you certain about your stand?”, he asked as like he is interviewing me.

“26, actually. Nothing makes me certain, I just kind of trust that god is in there somewhere. Frankly I have my own apartment and so many things that my parents never thought of me. So, well, yes, I trusted him and you see, shit happens and you can’t blame god for that as…”

“Then why praise him for the goods?” he interrupted me and added this question that muted me for a while.

He continued, “I remembered the day. We won the English League. celebrating like never before. Drew our home lag with Birmingham City by 3-3. Geoff, Mark, Tommy, Billy was my senior in the team. Billy was one of the team mates who adored me very much. He was very gentle and had a very good sense of humor. Bert told us that club has talked to British European Airways who managed a plane for us to get us to Belgrade for the away leg against Red Star.”

He waited for a second. He smiled for once. Then he continued, “we drew that match at 3-3 and was enough for us to make it to the quarters as per the away goal rules and in that time we were quite unbeaten in home and also was enjoying a non-defeated 11 games’ streak. We were all set for Manchester and that motherfucking asshole Johnny, that li’l bustard lost his passport. You know Johnny? Johnny Berry? One of the greatest outside right forward till date?”

I knew him so I nodded. He continued, “he used to forget things. Well, the takeoff from Belgrade was delayed about an hour thanks to Johnny and we reached Munich for refueling at 13:15 GMT.”

There was a silence for a moment. Robert was silent, me having nothing coming out of my mouth. I picked up a glass of water and offered him. He drank some, cleared his voice and said,” you know the pilot, Captain James Thain was originally a sergeant. Well, I was beside Billy. The takeoff began. Snow was falling, causing a layer that blocked half of the runway. The first takeoff was devastating. Billy said, “bad luck captain. Bang this girl of yours a bit harder so that she can know her daddy.” We all smiled, the cap too. The second one, failed again. Something happened to us all after that. Kenneth, the second pilot asked Thain to stop the takeoff and wait for the night but as we were going to miss our scheduled match he tried for once more and this time the left wings of the plane were on fire.”

“Billy pushed me from the chair and told me to get out of the plane. Thain started evacuating the passengers. Harry helped the passengers to get off the plane. There was a chance of explosion. Everybody was in a hurry but the gate was very small in size.”

He was a bit in tears then. “Thain just stepped outside and the chance charmed. Explosion happened. 3 more died on their way to the hospital and Billy with other 19 passengers died in the explosion.”

“I never talked about this like this before. If you ask me why today as you may, it’s because when you questioned me about how I feel the time was 3:15 p.m. You know what it means, son? It is the time when our second takeoff was failed and moreover it was the time when Billy told me, ‘luck’!”

“I don’t know what he meant by that. Maybe he was not sure to pick the right between the good and bad or maybe he just knew and didn’t want me to tell the lie instead he had hidden the truth. Harry was filled with blood on his face and he thought himself as he was dead. Well, luckily he wasn’t. but the other 23 wasn’t that somebody. Were they?”

“the clock still shows the time. Somewhere beneath, it hurts. I never looked at the clock whenever I come close to it because I don’t know why but I can’t.”

He stood up. Picked up a replica of the match ball of the match against Red Star and headed back to the exit door. He stopped after a few steps and looked at me, came close to me, bent a bit and whispered to my ears, “sometimes when I feel helpless, I pray to Billy cause that son of a bitch saved my 78 years’ old ass’s future. He earned my faith. So just tell your god or whomever you before you put your faith on that, ‘Fuck faith! Earn it!’ luck, kiddo”.

I came out of the canteen and lit up a cigarette. My senses were searching for some fresh air so I looked up in the sky and suddenly on the South-East corner of Old Trafford I saw it. The Munich Clock. The time as stopped at 3:30 and the date mentioned there as 6^th February, 1958. The moment when the Busby Babes signed off. The moment when I wasn’t even on this earth, but still I feel a thing deep inside me, somewhere and it hurts. The moment that made my interview with Sir Robert Bobby Charlton a bit nostalgic.

‘luck’! I knew the meaning, but today, I earned it!     

On A Derby Day...

On Air:

“good evening everybody. today we are going to witness one of the greatest rivalry of football. it’s between…”

In the Field:

Sanjib told, “ok, we are late for the game. Can we please do the sit-taking portion a bit faster?”

“do you think me and Babu posturing for selfies?” asked Nilesh.

On Air:

“…Celtic and Rangers. Rangers have a huge support today. In recent times Celtic has improved their build-up gameplay that…”

In the Field:

On the other side;

“how did he missed it? oh! what a chance!”, said Angshuman.

“it’s ok. Chill. Chances will come around.”, said Kartik.

“it’s not a 2^nd division team we are going against that chances will come again and again. After all, recent times we have been beaten quite often. It’s enough ok?”

On Air:

“…improved their playing style and helped them to win the games for the last two seasons. As we all know about the rivalry between the two ‘old firm boys’ team’; it’s a match between nativist and the immigrants, so as the rivalry.”

In the Field:

“what is going on? Pass the ball man! Please! We have payed 200/- to see this junk! Clap! Clap!”

“foul! It’s attempting murder I say! Referee, red card!”

On the other side;

“boo! It’s fucking fixed! We are already lost! Let’s get those sons of beeps out of the ground!”, said Angshuman.

On Air:

“ok, here we go. The match begins. Tensions all over the faces as it is a do or die match. Once and for all they have to play together to be the favorites today. Because, this game is not only about winning the game, but winning the attention.”

In the Field:

On the other side;

“what’s the say? 25 yards. Can he?”

“no. he can’t. I haven’t seen this kind of goal in this stadium for the last 3-4 seasons.”

On the other stand;

“he can. 500/- rupees. On?”

“1000/- on yes.”

On Air:

Ok. Now here is the situation. 5^th minute of the match and Celtic got a free kick. 25 yards. Quite difficult but not impossible. Let’s see what happens. Larsson is ready to take the free-kick. Can he deliver his best shot? Here is the whistle from the referee… Larsson with the curving shot and…

In the Field:

On the other side;

“…”

“see! Am going home. It’s ridiculous!!! They scored from a 25 yards, a fucking long-ranger!”, said Angshuman.

On the other stand,

“told you, this boy is going to give them 5 goals! Genius! Brilliant! What curve!”

On Air:

“Goal! What a shot! The curving one from Larsson and he made the Rangers’ goal-keeper stand and gaze. This is absolutely genius. Big game, big pressure and a huge goal to celebrate. The first drop of blood has been bled by Celtic, by the scintillating slice shot of Larsson…”

“bro! what are you doing?” a voice came from behind. It was Nilesh.

“just feeling nostalgic. Nilesh, do you remember the last derby we saw together? I was just remembering that.”

“yeah, ok. But why?”

“no, just suddenly I found out this portion of newspaper from the year 1900. It was a match between Celtic and Rangers. Their rivalry is as same as ours. Here, East Bengal known as the immigrants and there Celtic known as such. That match ended up 4-0 and the derby we saw together ended up 4-0 in the favour of the immigrants. The first goal of that match came also from the free-kick and that was scored from 25 yards.”

“remember what was the expression of Angshu? He came home early, very after the first goal. O man! What a game that was…”

Nilesh continued. I just thought about how I emerged myself completely into the 6^th September, 2015 after just read a few lines of commentator’s speech about a match almost 115 years ago. Then I looked at Nilesh and saw how my few sentences made him remembering about almost everything on that 6^th September.

It is a factor of being a fan of East Bengal talking about derby. It is a passion about talking football and using slangs against the opponents. They are Mohun Bagan and we are East Bengal; we are Mohun Bagan and they are East Bengal; this barrier; this emotion; this feeling can only be described in a derby match and can only be expressed if someone witness a derby in Yuva Bharati Krirangon. Even a visit of Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo on a derby day in Kolkata can be missed, but derby can’t.

We may not be the hooligans, but we are, literally, the Bengalese who never let anything come across on a match day of Kingfisher East Bengal vs Mcdowell Mohun Bagan. Above all, on this day, this particular day, from 17-70 years old, slangs are the songs, harassment is the harmony and barriers are the beginning. Football is nothing but emotions.

THE GROUND...

“She was raped again and again. First, she was caught tightly by many, her clothes were tearing apart by many, many put their hands on her body and then a big dick came from nowhere and let her feel free and enjoy the trip to hell”, Prof. Bakshi included, “you know what was my favourite part? Seeing that the girl could have been saved but I don’t know why I couldn’t. Yes, but apart from all other viewers, I took the rest of her and tried my best to heal her.”

“and why did you do that? because others didn’t respond, right?” I asked him.

“I’m quite sure that I didn’t do it for humanity. Perhaps, I assumed to rape her again when she was ready enough to be raped. We are social, aren’t we? It’s our nature.” Prof. Bakshi said with firm notes.

“ugh…sir, can you clarify? please?” I chuckled and asked.

“look, humanity sucks, ok? I don’t know why I helped the girl. It just let me feel good for something.”

“ok, sir. Now tell me what happened after you tried to bring her back to the normal life?”, I asked in a report’s authenticity.

“as I said, society sucks. That day no one helped the girl when she needed that. I helped her and my wife put finger on me asking ‘why you?’ I didn’t answer that. I just kept on meditating her, calling up doctors, went from clinics to clinics, asking for helps, and well, like one in a ’12 angry men’ some friends of mine came forward to help me.” Prof. Bakshi paused for a while, drank water, cleared his throat, and then, just smiled.

After few minutes’ silent-smile he added, “there was a pulp fiction like ‘kill bill’. Reservoir Dogs came hunting for the revenant. The society to us was nothing more than ‘hateful eight’. We tried our best for the girl but leaders came over pointing fingers that why are we showing such sympathy for the girl. You see, when you try to do something for society’s good, then they ask questions and when you try to do something good that let you feel good, then they point fingers. I seriously don’t know what the fucking obsession of getting frustrated at one’s feel-good they are having. I was just doing it for myself, and they made it like I have something of my own interest in it.”

“ok sir, I understand you…”

“no, you don’t. you cannot. You also belong from this scum. In the time of vote, you polish the legs of the party which you want to have the power. Yes, you decide who should rule by your use of actions. I don’t actually know the base of your work. You, the media, point out faults of A and then next day you praise A. but when you praise A you never get tired of pointing fingers on B who was good in your eyes when you pointed A’s faults. And why am I blaming you? I trust you in the morning newspaper and evening’s headlines. Do you fool us or are we been fooled for trusting you? I am confused!”

A silence remained for a while. Then prof. Bakshi broke the silence, “anyways, the ground was finally being handed over to me by the help of some legal friends of mine. Actually it was not me all in all, it was the club and I am the chairman of it. We took great care of her. The damage level is much lesser than before. She will soon have her clothes next month. Because we ordered grass-seeds that will come by then, I should be going now. Thank you.”

FINALLY, ‘THE GROUND’ HAS AN OWNER

1^st January,2016, Midnapore: Wishing all a very happy new year, Prof. Bakshi, the former lecturer of Vidyasagar University, would like to give a huge gift to the people of Midnapore. He declared that by next month ‘THE GROUND’ will be open only for games. Prof. Bakshi took an oath 2 years back when he saw ‘THE GROUND’ was used not only for games but for political-gathering, fair and other non-sport works. He thought that ‘THE GROUND’ should be conserved. From his point of view, the ground was likely to be raped whenever people came for these non-sport activities. Bamboos were placed like dicks all over the ground. A great work indeed done by Prof. Bakshi. From the next month, Midnapore will have its finest playground, especially for football. Prof. Bakshi appointed ground expert Luka Del Torino for this auspicious try. We thank this great man who took his way against all the odds.

“Hey, where is the other part of the report?” I asked my editor, Kuntalika.

“It sounded like you were being rebellion.”

“Fuck off. It said clearly how unhelpful the government was.”

“I know sweetheart. But it’s not our reputation to be sacrificed. Remember, we need the government to be happy with us. It’s not the right time to give clue to the opponent party. That part comes later. And tell me, why us to point the fault? Why you?”

I remembered Prof. Bakshi saying ‘my wife asked me ’why you’’ when he tried to do something that would let him feel good, he didn’t reply. Sorry sir, I can’t be that respectful towards my editor.

I leave the chair, stood up and bent down a little, get close to the ears of Kuntalika Sharma, said, “because I fucked you enough in your bedroom and kitchen that I get bored of thinking your fucking reputation,” after a 2 second pause I added, “bitch!”

I published the whole story and sold it to another newspaper and they published. I didn’t put my name on it because perhaps I’m not fool enough like Prof. Bakshi or better say not brave enough like Prof. Bakshi. The man who saw ‘THE GROUND’ under threat like a girl being raped. The man who had gone against all odds to protect her. The man who was murdered after the publication of the whole story. Though, as expected, it was intended to look like a suicide.

So, am I coward or am I clever? At least, I’m still alive in this dead society. And Prof. Bakshi is dead when ‘THE GROUND’ is now alive…